Unhealed Singles Need Not Apply: How Therapy-Speak Has Changed ‘Love Is Blind’

Love Is Blind is not a dating show celebrated for modeling healthy relationships. While a handful of the couples who met in the pods are still going strong, for the most part, the show has acted as a stepping stone for emotionally unavailable and relationally challenged 20- and 30-somethings to gain Instagram fame and appear on other Netflix dating shows. There’s even ongoing controversy and litigation about abusive working conditions on set.

Usually, the portion of Love Is Blind that takes place in the pods—in which single men and women are divided into two camps, and they speed date without being able to see each other until they get engaged—is full of lovey-dovey, too good to be true flirting and “connections” built on shared values and supposed readiness for marriage. Rarely have I gotten the sense that any of the participants truly know themselves or what they want in a partner, or that they’re truly there intending to find a life partner.

This season is different. There are still a few messy, hopeless cases (perhaps even at least one scammer/stalker?) because such is life, but the conversations in the pods have taken on a very different tone, one that will ring bells for anyone who goes to therapy (writer raises hand). Suddenly, familiar words and concepts like “trauma,” “triggered,” “healing,” and especially “attachment styles” are among the first topics exchanged in dates.

The best example of this is actually a couple who was closely followed throughout the pods episodes but didn’t end up getting engaged. Alex Brown and Madison Errichiello immediately reminded me of Otis and Maeve from Sex Education: she’s an artsy, kind of mysterious girl from a troubled upbringing (and, yes, a dead ringer for Hilary Duff), he’s the cute guy with a heart of gold who got bullied in school.

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A post shared by Alex Brown (@iamalexbrown)

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A post shared by Madison Errichiello (@mads.err)

Their connection seemed genuine; they could be vulnerable with each other and show their depth right away, but it wasn’t an overwhelming trauma dump, just two simpatico souls. Maybe that sounds like a lot for a dating show, but I’ve always maintained that, while it shouldn’t have to end up in engagement/marriage, sitting in a room and talking to someone without knowing what they look like for many hours a day could absolutely make me fall in love, and definitely if the conversations went like their’s did.

But the very things Alex and Madison had in common—their self-awareness and emotional intelligence—ended up forcing them apart. These are two therapised people who know how to talk about feelings, but the problem arose when they discussed how they process those feelings in romantic partnerships. Alex, you see, identifies as someone with an anxious attachment style, and Madison an avoidant.

A brief primer for those who haven’t been single in the last decade: attachment styles are kind of like love languages. Coined by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A. in their book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love (which you’ve probably seen on your therapist’s and/or little sister’s shelf), the terms refer to the different ways adults show up in romantic relationships. According to the good doctors, there are three attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and secure. If you have an anxious attachment style, you probably worry a little too much about what your partner is thinking and feeling; maybe you’re an over-thinker; maybe you need reassurance. You’re, you know, anxious. Avoidants are the opposite—they tend to be fearful of big emotions, conflict, and commitment and are easily overwhelmed by those things. Secure people are, I guess, the rare, lucky folks who experience no self-doubt and no fear at all.

The big takeaway from the book, and the theory you can’t avoid when you’re scrolling through Instagram Reels and TikTok after a breakup, is that anxiously and avoidantly attached people make bad couples because they inherently want and need different things in relationships. Anyone who has ever felt anxiously attached knows this to be true, while anyone who has ever identified as avoidant is probably not reading this article right now.

So, when Alex heard Madison say she’s avoidant, that was it for him. No matter how much she tried to reassure him that she was working on getting past those tendencies, all he heard was, “I’m going to dump you and make you feel like a needy weirdo, just like everyone else you’ve ever dated,” and he told her so.

“I’ve dated a lot of…” he started. “Unhealed people?” she finished for him. “Yeah,” he said, and I saw the pain in his eyes when he did. He knew how it felt to be discarded by someone who can’t handle big feelings—a famous necessity of a healthy relationship—and also someone who hasn’t done the same amount of work around introspection and self-acceptance as he has, and he knew he couldn’t put himself through that again.

Alex, I’m talking to you now. If you’re still single, I’m the first in line. New episodes of Love Is Blind season eight drop Fridays on Netflix.