We Hereby Bequeath Shailene Woodley to MAGA

There was a piece earlier this week on the Fox News website about how Shailene Woodley doesn’t like to talk about Aaron Rodgers because it makes her cry. “It was not right. But it was beautiful,” Woodley told Outside Magazine of her relationship with him, as her “eyes welled up.”

The Fox News website is a content mill—they churn out hundreds of posts a day—but I suspect this particular piece resonated with their readers because of the Aaron Rodgers connection. Rodgers, after all, is tight with Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the nominee for Secretary of Health and Human Services. And look: Woodley’s upset for a reason — she and Rodgers clearly had chemistry. Her beliefs didn’t rub off on him, and his beliefs didn’t rub off on her. They were both like that when they met. That’s why they worked for as long as they did.

In the same piece, Woodley — without naming Rodgers directly — mentioned she was in a “toxic situation” around the time of their breakup. She said she couldn’t remove herself because she was “empathizing with someone else,” and that her empathy kept her “in this loop of feeling everything for everyone.”

What does that mean exactly? I don’t know, and frankly, I don’t care. What I do wonder is: what does the Fox News reader think? By some sort of transitive property, do they now own Shailene Woodley? Does RFK Jr. going MAGA mean we can finally offload our wealthy woo-woo folks instead of awkwardly hiding them behind a stack of crystals? And, uh, what are we doing with Marianne Williamson?

Can we still be environmentalists without being saddled with lines like this: “I knew I was depressed when I looked at a tree and felt nothing. That was the lowest low of my life.”

That’s yours now, MAGA. You get to defend it. You’ve claimed the vaccine-skeptical, tincture-wing of the Democratic Party. We’re washing our hands of, “I looked at a tree and felt nothing.” We hereby bequeath Shailene Woodley to you, MAGA. No take-backs.