His Generation's Worst Actor Is Returning as Himself in a 'Werewolf Hunter' Series

Back during our Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People days, I could sometimes veer into the cruel. By 2012, however, I’d steered my insults toward the movies themselves and not the actors in them — unless the actors were terrible people whose terribleness needed highlighting. One actor I was particularly vicious toward was Twilight’s Taylor Lautner, whom I once described as “a pair of abs attached to an inbred two-by-four” and complained that he was “about as versatile as a blood clot and as charming as a yeast infection.”

“Hollywood doesn’t ask a lot of its action stars (see Arnold Schwarzenegger),” I wrote at the time, “but there is a minimum threshold to qualify, namely the ability to change facial expressions. Lautner has two looks: stoic puffy face, and stoic puffy face with his nose slightly scrunched. He is so wooden that he makes Keanu Reeves look like Robin Williams on a coke bender. I’ve seen better acting on storyboards… Lautner has no presence; he’s a charisma vacuum who looks like he’s acting as a stand-in for Mario Lopez on a very bad Lifetime movie… it’s impossible to invest yourself in it when the lead actor looks like an embarrassed kid with his girlfriend who is trying to escape a room he accidentally farted in.”

Apologies, Mr. Lautner. Those barbs were not above board, and I am sorry that you have spent the last 14 years taking barely supporting roles in Adam Sandler films because Adam Sandler values friendship more than acting ability. However, Lautner — who is still only 33 years old — is making a return to television in a scripted series where he will play himself, which honestly may be a lot to ask of Lautner, but I trust that he can successfully swing it. Maybe.

The premise is interesting. Lautner will play himself… as a werewolf hunter.

“After wrapping the final Twilight film, Taylor Lautner vanished from the spotlight. Fans speculated, tabloids theorized—but the truth is wilder than fiction. Taylor wasn’t just taking a mental health break. He was preparing for his real calling… Taylor Lautner: Werewolf Hunter. Playing himself, Taylor is drawn into a secret society of werewolf trackers who need his unique expertise. As he navigates his double life—Hollywood actor by day, supernatural warrior by night—Taylor must wrestle with the ultimate irony: fighting the very creatures that made him famous. Between saving the world, reviving his career, and falling in love, he faces the ultimate question—what happens when your biggest role becomes your greatest enemy?”

The series comes from veteran comedy writer Daisy Gardner (30 Rock, The Goldbergs, Single Drunk Female) and the talented directors behind Abigail and Scream VI, Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett. It all sounds very promising, except for the presence of Taylor Lautner. Could they cast someone else to play Taylor Lautner? I am not an advocate for AI by any means, but it would likely produce a much better performance (sorry, Lautner! Old habits die hard).

Source: Variety